Crash and Burn
by SayaEvange
Summary: I let him slowly pull my body closer to his. His strong arms wrapped around my waist and his lips trailed kisses down my jaw line before landing on my own lips.
1. Chapter 1

Sirius Black. That name alone sends chills through most females, let alone what his body can do to them. For the females in Hogwarts, Sirius Black is the most common subject for, well, everything. He is the one thing that connects all the girls together. Half of the girls have been with him and the other half are more than ready to have their chance. Lily Evans and Black's cousins are really the only girls who don't fall into that category. Oh, and the professors of course. Unfortunately, I do fall into one of those groups and even more unfortunately, I am in that first half.

I am Nienna Ladden, a Gryffindor seventh year who was foolish enough to let Sirius Black take advantage of me when I was 15 and not at all ready for what happened. At the time, I thought that I was really in love with him and that he was the only guy for me, but what did I know? Up until that day I had never even been kissed. Well, I was obviously mistaken and I don't need to say why.

After that day, things went back to normal between us. No, they went back to normal for him. It was still very awkward for me, but I got over it. So, despite all that happened between us, we went back to the partial friendship we always had. Except, I didn't really get over it.

* * *

"Nienna Ladden, get your lazy arse out of bed already!" Lily Evans screamed from somewhere outside of my curtained bed. I silently cursed her for being such a 'helpful and caring' friend. If she really wanted to be 'helpful and caring' then she should just leave me alone. "Nienna!"

I groaned loudly and rolled off my bed and onto the floor. "Lils," I whined. "I don't want to go to class today." I looked around to see my best friend running her brush through her deep red locks and a mild twinge of jealousy caught me. I always wished I had hair like hers. I looked down at my own limp brown hair. It was so not fair.

"Nen, you never want to go to classes."

"Yeah, well, this is different," I retorted, rising off the floor. I stumbled to my chest sitting at the end of my bed.

"And how is that?"

I shrugged and dug through my trunk for a clean uniform. I pulled out my clothes and started to change, wondering why girls had to wear skirts. My skirts never managed to fit me well. They always seemed way too long and made me look like a little girl playing dress-up with her mum's clothes.

Just as I pulled off my pajama pants, one of our roommates burst through the door. A loud whistle sounded through the room.

"Woohoo, that's what I like to see!"

"Oh shut it, Carrie!" I yelled, not happy to have to put up with her teasing so early in the morning.

"C'mon, Nen, it's a beautiful day, no need to be so crabby." Carrie swept her hand through my hair before bouncing into her own bed.

"I'd lower the energy if I were you, Care. Nienna's in a right foul mood." Lily stepped in front of the floor length mirror, admiring herself.

"Stop primping, Lils," Carrie scolded, earning a glare from the redhead. "What's wrong with you, Nen?"

"Nothing," I growled. I just wanted to get out of there now. Forget about it being a bad day; I just needed to get away from my two best friends. I shoved my books into my bag and pulled on my shoes.

"Hurry up so we can go to breakfast," Carrie told Lily.

"I just need to get my books. Nienna, don't forget to brush your teeth again," Lily said just as I was heading to the door. I groaned and turned around, mumbling under my breath about how I didn't need another mother.

"I'm only reminding you so you don't have another embarrassment like last year," Lily announced in her 'caring friend' tone.

I grumbled some more and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Once finished, I went back out and found Lily trying to do Carrie's hair, but Care was fighting her.

"Oi! Look Lily, I like my hair the way it is."

"But it would look so cute if you just…"

"Hey, it's time to go," I interrupted. Lily reluctantly let go of Carrie's hair and the two of them followed me out of our dormitory, still arguing.

I left the Great Hall before my friends, wanting some time by myself before class. I decided to just walk around the school. I knew I was going to miss this place. I walked around lost in my thoughts and not paying attention to where I was going.

It seemed like just yesterday I was getting my Hogwarts letter. I was so excited that I was finally going to be able to go to school with my big brother, even if it would only be for my first year. I just wanted to be away from my house and those memories.

I shook my head, trying to stop my mind from wandering down those paths again. I stopped and looked out a window. It was drizzling and windy and the leaves were changing color. It was so dreary out; I knew I didn't want to be out of bed today. It was just like eleven years ago…

"What are you doing here, Nen?" A strong voice tore me from my thoughts. I didn't need to look around to know who it was. My heart skipped.

"Nothing," I answered and turned around to face the one and only Sirius Black. Boy was he gorgeous. It wasn't in a pretty boy way either. He was gorgeous in the tough, strong, mischievous kind of way. The kind of gorgeous every girl dreams of and every Daddy has nightmares about. It should be a crime for him to look that good.

He grinned down at me, showing his pearly white teeth. "Did you get my note?"

"What note?" I asked confused.

His grey eyes stared into my blue ones.

"The note I sent to you last night." He leaned in to whisper in my ear. "It told of how your beauty haunts my dreams."

I could feel my heart speed up and I had to push him away, his grin never faded. "Sirius Black, you are a liar."

He moved to tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear and leaned against the wall, looking at me. "And you, Nienna Ladden, are a wretched tease."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm not in the mood to deal with you today, Black."

He looked at me, the teasing glint quickly leaving his eyes. "Princess," he started, a hint of concern in his voice. "Talk to me. Tell me what's going through that beautiful mind of yours."

"It's nothing, okay? It's just a bad day, that's all." His gaze pierced me. He knew that I was lying and I knew that he wouldn't leave me be until he found out what was going on.

"Nienna." That was all he had to say and my no-good defenses started to break. He knew exactly how to make me give in to him and, after all this time, I still couldn't stop him.

"Sirius, don't," I began, trying to hold on to my diminishing strength.

His hand gently grazed my own and I was done for.

I buried my head in his chest as his strong arms crossed behind my back and we stood there for what seemed to be hours. He softly whispered sweet lyrics in my ear and I felt as close to him as I had that one day in fifth year.

"Sirius, what are you doing?" a high-pitched voice brought me back to reality and I quickly jumped away from him. I looked to see Sarah Hart, the most popular and best-looking girl in school. With her bleach blonde hair and perfect body, all the guys craved her. Oh, and she also happens to be my roommate and Sirius Black's current girlfriend.

"Hey, Sarah." His eyes glanced her over approvingly. "You're looking sexy."

"Don't change the subject. What were you two doing? I demand an answer."

Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. "It was nothing, Sarah. You see, Sirius has this umm…cough. He was complaining about it and I was trying to see if I could hear any wheezing or anything when he breathed."

I could feel him staring at me and she looked at me like I was a moron. I knew she didn't believe me.

"Nienna, do I have to teach you everything?" She said condescendingly. "You can't hear the wheezing with your bare ear! You have to use that one deal to hear it. You know, the one that Muggle doctors use."

It was my turn to stare in utter disbelief. From beside me, I heard Sirius muffle a laugh.

"Well, I have to go to class now. I'll see you later, Siri," her voice was thick as honey. She made to go kiss him, but stopped herself. "I can't kiss you if you're sick." Quickly, she spun around and started back down the hall. When she was far enough away, Sirius burst out laughing.

"Your girlfriend is awfully dumb."

He looked at me with a huge grin on his face. "I'm not with her for her brain."

"That's right. You're only with girls for heated snogging sessions and five minute sex," I scowled.

He made a face. "First off, I'm not just with girls for physical pleasure and second, it's much longer than five minutes." He paused for a moment as if reliving his sexual experiences. "You of all people should know that."

My jaw clenched. I couldn't believe that he said that.

"As I recall," He moved close to me, his body touching mine and his hands gently rubbed my arms. His eyes were all over me and I noticed a growing look of lust in them. "We spent hours exploring each other; kissing here," his lips grazed the bit of skin showing above my shirt, "caressing there." One of his hands moved from my arm and made its way to my waist; his fingers moved down to the edge of my shirt and started to slip underneath.

I shoved him as hard as I could, sending him against the wall. My face was hot and my breathing heavy. I glared at the smirking boy in front of me, wanting badly to shove him out of the window. "You are a bloody arse, Sirius Black! Why don't you just shove off and leave me alone!" Before he could say anymore, or stop me, I stomped off. The sound of my steps echoed off the walls. I couldn't believe him. He was…ugh! Words could not describe him.

Angry and embarrassed, I made my way back to Gryffindor Tower. I hadn't wanted to go to class that morning anyways and, in any case, I definitely didn't want to be in the same room as that horrible git. Once I reached my room, I flung my bag across it, sending all of my stuff flying. I didn't care. I stomped to my bed and pulled my pillow over my head and screamed into it.

Why the hell did I get up this morning?


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm so excited, aren't you, Nen?" Sarah asked in an annoying voice. She was putting the finishing touches on her costume. It was tradition for the four of us to pick a theme for our costumes and this year happened to be goddesses. Surprisingly, Sarah hadn't picked Aphrodite; she chose Hecate, the Goddess of the Crossroads (or the Witch Goddess). Lily decided to go with Hera, the Queen of the Gods, and Carrie was dressed as Metis, the Goddess of Prudence. My costume was that of Artemis, the Goddess of the Hunt, and I was quite excited to be going as her even if I wasn't happy about where I was wearing the costume to.

"Oh yeah," I mumbled as I fiddled with my hair. I had decided to just do it in one long braid that would hang over my shoulder. It seemed fitting for being a huntress. I grabbed the crescent moon headband and put it on, completing my outfit. I looked at my roommates and wondered what we were going to do next Halloween.

"Sarah, you look cute," Lily complimented as she slipped her feet into golden sandals.

The blonde looked in the mirror, admiring herself. "I do look cute. Sirius is just going to love this." I rolled my eyes and Carrie made like she was going to smack Sarah. "Just to give you forewarning, don't wait up for me." She turned to the rest of us and smiled. "He isn't going to be able to keep his hands off me if you catch my drift." Sarah turned back to look at herself while Lily cringed. Care shuddered as I suddenly coughed. That was a picture I didn't want to have hanging around in my head.

"Nienna, I think you caught Siri's cough. You really shouldn't play doctor so much."

I nodded, unable to say anything. My two other roommates had puzzled looks on their faces, but I shrugged my shoulders like I was just as clueless and went to grab the silver colored hunting bow on my bed. I thought for a moment about whether or not to take it before deciding against it. It would just get in the way.

"Is everyone ready?" Carrie questioned, getting impatient. We could already hear the loud music coming from the Common Room. "It's going to be half over if we don't get our butts down there."

Without a word, Lily and I grabbed hold of Sarah and pulled her away from the mirror and out of our dorm room. Care shut the door behind us and we hurried down the staircase.

Once we reached the bottom, we all split up. Lily took off to the side of the room farthest from James Potter, Carrie headed straight for the refreshments, and Sarah went in search of her boy toy. I stood by the steps watching all of Gryffindor Tower party it up. It was obvious that half of them were already drunk and the rest of them were on their way.

I didn't really know what to do. I always felt out of sorts at parties, especially when my best friends left me. So I stood there, out of the way of everyone else, feeling like a lame duck.

"Well, well, well, look who decided to show up. It's my personal healer."

I knew at that very moment that I should just run back up the steps, but I couldn't. Instead, I forced myself to look up at the person who had just appeared beside me.

"Hello, Sirius," I replied as calmly as possible. He was dressed as the warrior Achilles, or at least the part of him that was clothed was. He was half naked and I foolishly wondered if he even had his boxers on. I could feel a hot blush creep into my cheeks at the places my mind was going. The grin on his face made it worse.

"You know, you should think about wearing that all the time. It really makes you stand out from the rest of the girls in this place."

I snorted at the thought, trying to not pay attention to the words coming from his mouth. "Sarah's looking for you."

He shrugged and took a drink from the glass in his hand. "Who cares? I'm done with her anyways."

Before I could stop it, my mouth dropped open, making him grin again. "Wha…why?" I already knew the answer.

"I'm over her. She no longer…captivates me."

"Does she know?" I didn't like how annoying Sarah was about Sirius and was actually kind of glad that it was over, but I didn't want her to get hurt like that.

"I told her, but I think she thought I was joking. I said, 'Babe, it's over'. She looked dumbly at me and then laughed and walked away."

"Oh."

His grey eyes were locked on mine, making it impossible to look away. "Besides, I've already moved on."

"Ha…have you now?" I stumbled over my words, my heart speeding up. He nodded and moved a little closer, so he didn't have to talk so loud.

"Yeah, you see, I've become completely enamored by this little brunette that I know." All I could do was stare. He wasn't really starting this again, was he? "In fact, I think you know her too."

"Do I?"

Sirius nodded, his raven hair falling playfully in his eyes. "She seems to have dressed up as a Greek Goddess tonight. I think she knew how turned on I get by goddesses." He winked at me and I thought I might just faint.

"I'm sure she didn't," I muttered.

"Then it's just a magnificent coincidence, isn't it? So tell me, where is that sexy friend of yours?"

My heart fell. I couldn't believe that I had really started to fall for that, thinking he was talking about me. "Care's over by the drinks."

"Thanks, Nen." Just as quickly as he appeared, he was gone, off to find my best friend. I thought for a moment that I was going to cry. The lump was growing in my throat, but I pushed it down. There was no way I was going to let Sirius Black ruin the night for me. I made my way to the dance floor and grabbed hold of the closest available guy. I didn't even bother looking at who it was at first. My goal was to get Sirius out of my head and with the help of dance moves that would have made my Mum blush that was accomplished. Oh, and a few glasses of spiked punch.

"I never knew you could be this wild," a voice said to me as a Hobgoblins song ended. I finally took notice of the dance partner I had been using. He was tall, lean, and hair so blond he could have been a Malfoy. It was Nykolas Duritz, a good looking sixth year who was waging a seemingly never ending war over female attention with Sirius. Of course he was losing. Black needed only to exist to gain attention, but Duritz had a little more trouble. Whether it played a part or not in their mutual dislike of each other I didn't know.

"Well, if you hadn't noticed I'm not me tonight. I'm Artemis." I took a step back and showed off my costume. As I waved my hands in front of my costume my head started to spin so I grabbed hold of Nykolas.

"I see that," he laughed and placed his arms around me. My forehead rested against his chest. "You know," he whispered in my ear. I struggled to focus on his words. I was feeling disoriented and my head was now pounding. I held onto him tighter, afraid that if I let go I would fall to the floor. "I think we should ditch this party. I know a great place we could go for some privacy."

I slowly nodded into his musketeer tunic because any other response would result in my loss of my headrest. He led me through the crowd and out into the dark corridor.


	3. Chapter 3

"Wake up." Someone kicked me in the side, ensuring that I was awake.

"What?" I snapped, angry about my sleep being disturbed.

"Ladden, right?" I looked up to see Black, the Slytherin one.

"What are you doing here?" I demanded as I sat up.

"I could ask you the same." A smirk formed on his lips and I cringed at how much he looked like Sirius. "People normally don't fall asleep in the corridor, but then I don't spend much time around Gryffindors."

"What do you mean?" He waved his hand, showing off the scenery. It was, indeed, a corridor and one I wasn't too familiar with at that. "Where am I?"

"Not far from the Slytherin Common Room."

I lifted myself off the floor, taking in my surroundings as well as the younger Black. They were so much alike. In fact, the major difference I found was the badge on their robes. Other than that they could pass for twins. Although I did notice that Regulus seemed to be a little taller than his brother and perhaps a little less frightening; for me at least.

"Well, could you point me in the direction of the Tower?" He pointed to the hall on his left. "Thanks." I made to leave.

"Wait." His voice was as halting as Sirius's.

"Umm, yeah?" I asked starting to become a bit apprehensive of him. He was a Black after all.

He grabbed something out of his pocket and looked at it for a moment. "I wasn't going to give this back to you, but I guess there's a reason you have it, so here." He thrust the object into my hand. "It was lying beside you."

Bewildered, I stared at it. It was a piece of parchment folded perfectly into a tiny envelope. I had no idea what it was and I really didn't want to open it and be surprised with the man who was going to steal it right in front of me. "Uhh, thanks, Black. I appreciate it." He nodded and trudged back to wherever he had come from. Once I knew he was gone I opened it.

A fine gold chain with a small pendant fell into my hand. The paper had nothing on it, but I kept hold of it anyways. I looked over the necklace, wondering where it had come from. The pendant was actually a white gold locket with a black diamond covering much of the front. I opened it, but nothing was inside. On the back there was an engraving of some kind, but it was so small I couldn't make it out. Not knowing what else to do I slipped the necklace back into the envelope and kept a tight hold on it.

Lovely, something else to take up space in my brain trying to figure it out. At least I knew Lily would be able to figure out the writing, that was a plus. Unfortunately, I still needed to figure out how I ended up there in the first place.

I tried to remember, but my mind was foggy and I couldn't make sense of anything. What happened last night? I groaned.

"I really hope I didn't do anything with Nyk last night. What if I did? What if I wasn't even with him? Oh Merlin, what if I went off with Black?" My head was flooded with all of the ridiculous possibilities running through my mind. "What if I did go off with Black? Wait, what if I went off with Regulus? How else would I end up here?"

I stopped dead when I heard someone clear their throat. "Tell me, Princess, how many times do I need to remind you that people will question your sanity if they find you rambling on to yourself?" A somewhat disheveled Sirius Black came up beside me and took my hand. "It's quite alright though; I actually admire you for it. It makes you that much more amazing. Perhaps I should give it a try sometime." He grinned at me.

"Are you stalking me or something?" I blurted out, annoyed and flustered.

He shook his head. "Not currently. I do believe you're next on my list, though." I glared at him. "Now, love, what were you rambling on about?" He smiled sweetly to me as if he really cared.

"None of your business," I retorted, gripping the necklace in my other hand tighter.

"Oh, really? I think it is my business since my brother and I were both mentioned." He grabbed my other hand.

"It's nothing. I can talk to myself about whomever I want." I regretted the words once they came out. I really needed to stop making myself look like a complete loon.

"Hmm, I don't think it's nothing, but I'll leave you to deal with it." Despite the grip I had on the envelope, he managed to pry my fingers open quite easily. He grabbed it and looked it over, pulling out the locket and examining it. "Where'd you get this?"

I shrugged my shoulders and quickly tried to grasp it, but he pulled it away from me.

"I love you," he read with ease. I gaped at him. "Wow, Princess, someone must really be serious about you." He carefully slid the locket into the envelope and gave it back to me.

"Do you like it?" he asked, almost too nonchalant.

I looked at him for a moment. If I didn't know better I would say that he was actually nervous. "Well, I don't even know if s or me. It's pretty, but I wouldn't feel right wearing it."

"Oh." he said, seeming a little disappointed.

We stood there in an awkward silence for a few minutes before he spoke again. "Well, I hope you get it all figured out." Without waiting for me to say anything, he turned around and headed in the other direction.

Why was he acting so strangely? I shook my head and continued back to my dorm. I knew Carrie and Lily could help me decipher everything.

* * *

"Nienna, there you are! We've been so worried about you. Where have you been?" Lily began, immediately showing her motherly side.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know what happened last night." For once I wasn't bothered by her over-protectiveness. She flung her arms around me and squeezed tight. "Lily, can't breathe!" I gasped and she quickly let go.

"Sorry, I've just been so worried."

"We all have," Care announced as she walked out of the bathroom. "What happened to you last night?"

"I don't know." We all congregated to my bed like usual. I never understood why my bed was used as the meeting place, but I didn't fight it. "All I know is I was woken up by the other Black. I was asleep in the corridor by Slytherin. I don't remember anything else. I can't remember leaving the Common Room or being with anyone."

"Well, we know what you did while you were here and who you left with, but I'm not sure that you want to hear it," Lily said. She had grabbed her blue pillow and held it close to her.

"Of course I want to know."

"No, Nen, I don't think you do."

Carrie frowned at me before turning to the redhead. "She needs to know." After a moment of heavy silence Lily agreed. They both turned to me, making me squirm with nervous anticipation. "Now, we don't know what happened after you left. We just know who you left with."

"Go on," I pleaded. My mind was racing again and my breathing was becoming slightly labored.

"Nienna, we're only telling you this because you have the right to know. We don't hold anything against you for doing it because we know that you weren't yourself last night," Lily began. The look on her face almost killed me, it was just too pitiful.

"You left the Tower at about midnight. You, well, you weren't yourself. It was like someone had possessed you. The way you were throwing yourself at Duritz, no one understood it. He didn't mind of course, in fact, he convinced you to leave with him." Carrie was trying to put the situation as lightly as possible, but I feared the ending more and more.

"So I left with Nykolas?"

"Yes, but you came back not long afterwards," Carrie continued. "Then you left again."

"With who?"

They looked at each other again before Lily began to speak. "You weren't the only one acting crazy last night. The way he kept staring at you, even when he was with others. The later it became the more intense he was. He was angry, that much was obvious. He couldn't stand looking at you with Nykolas."

"Remember, we would have stopped you if that had been an option," Carrie added.

By now I was close to ripping out my hair from the anticipation. "C'mon, just tell me already."

Lily took in a deep sigh. "You left with Black."

I stared at my friends. How could that be right? I would never have gone anywhere with him, especially not on Halloween. "What do you mean I left with him?"

Care shrugged. "Like we said, we don't know what happened after the two of you left, we just know you were with him."

"I saw him this morning after the rude awakening his little brother gave me. He never said anything about being with me last night." I paused, trying to remember anything. Then I did. "Wait, I remember that he specifically told me that he fancied you Care and he went off to talk to you."

It was her turn to be shocked. "Umm, he talked to me, but it was just like always. Besides, he didn't pay attention to me; he had his eyes on you."

I shook my head. "That can't be. I would never have left with him in a million years. I learned my lesson two years ago!" Besides Sirius and myself, my two best friends were the only other people who knew about the incident in fifth year.

"You weren't yourself last night. Besides, apparently you must not have gone anywhere with him. You were found by Regulus. I'm sure you ditched him and just wound up getting yourself lost and passed out somewhere. This is you we're talking about." I could tell Carrie was trying her best to make light of the situation.

"Yeah, I'm sure that's it," Lily readily agreed. I didn't know what to think. He hadn't mentioned anything, but maybe he didn't remember either. Then again, why was he down in that part of the castle?

I stuck out my hand then, showing them the envelope with the locket. "Regulus found this lying beside me."

Lily grabbed it and looked it over, magnifying the words with her wand so she could see the inscription. "I love you." She handed it to Carrie. "That's a serious gift. Who gave it to you?"

"I don't know. The Slytherin Black found it lying next to me and he had originally pocketed it, but changed his mind and gave it back. I didn't know what it said until Sirius came by a little after that and read it."

"This necklace must have cost a fortune and you don't know who gave it to you? Merlin, I'd hate to be your boyfriend," Carrie said.

I threw a pillow at her and she started laughing. Lily grabbed the locket back and put in the top drawer of my nightstand. "You should talk to Sirius again. This time with us around so we have a better chance of catching him in any lies. Okay?"

I nodded as Carrie threw the pillow back at me. Before I could toss it back, Lily grabbed it. "We're leaving to talk to him now girls."

Both of us groaned and whined about how Lily was too much like another mother. She ignored us.

After a quick change of clothes, and unfortunately no shower, the three of us were headed off to find the one person I liked to avoid the most. Carrie was trying to keep the mood as light as possible, but with every step my mood seemed to darken. I groaned inwardly. Why did that stupid git have to keep coming up in my life?


	4. Chapter 4

Sirius was leaning against the wall of books, pretending to listen to my friends rant. His eyes held a kind of dazed look like he was staring off into space. Occasionally he would glance at me, but I didn't know what to make of that. I was feeling out of it and like a little fool who couldn't take care of herself. I suppose I couldn't blame him for not listening to Carrie and Lily because I wasn't paying any attention either.

"Come on Nen, you need to get away from this…" Lily looked at him with so much contempt I didn't know she could give to anyone but James Potter. She couldn't even finish her sentence. She grabbed hold of my arm and Carrie took the other one, trying to lead me away.

I was shocked at first. I didn't realize what was going on. I looked at both of my very angry friends and then at Sirius. He was starting to walk away too. I knew I should go with them, but something in me said to stay.

Carrie gripped my arm tighter and dragged me along. Then, a little too loudly, she said, "Black is the biggest, best looking arse in the Northern Hemisphere. It's not your fault that you were easy enough to be seduced by him."

I ripped my arm from her grasp and stared at her. Even Lily was shocked. I couldn't believe she had said that. It occurred to me that she didn't mean it like that, but the thought was so fleeting it hardly left an impression.

"What did you just say to me?"

"Nienna, she didn't mean it like that. Let's go," Lily pleaded.

"Oh Nen, you know what I said."

"No, I don't think I do!" My voice was getting louder and it was drawing the attention of the whole library.

Lily looked frantically between the two of us, knowing very well that she wouldn't be able to cool things off. Neither Carrie nor I were going to calm down anytime soon.

"You're just overreacting like always."

"What?"

"You heard me! You are the biggest fucking drama queen I've ever met!"

Lily tried again. "Where is this coming from? You two are best mates! What's going on?"

Carrie scoffed. "As if you don't know, Lils. You said it yourself just the other day. Told me how you were just as sick as I was about Nienna's moping and tragic sob stories! You said that you couldn't wait until Christmas so you could get away from her!"

I gaped at Lily. I couldn't believe my ears. I didn't want to believe it, but the guilty look on Lily's face proved it. "Lily?" I struggled to get her name out.

"It wasn't like that Nen, I swear!" I could tell that she just wanted this to be over and forgotten, but that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

"Oh yes it was and you know it," Carrie yelled at the redhead. Then she turned back to me. "No one cares about your psycho family or how bad you are in Charms." I stood there, just staring because I couldn't find any words. I was being abandoned by my best friend, both of them actually; Lily was just too sweet to admit that I bugged her. The whole library was listening, waiting for whatever was to come next. Unfortunately, the new librarian wasn't anywhere to be found to kick us out. "And you know what else?" Care taunted. "No one cares that you're easy enough to be shagged by Sirius Black!" She screamed it as loud as she could and the gasps and loud whispers of all the spectators filled my brain. Lily looked ready to hit Carrie, but she was frozen too.

Carrie spun around and with an apologetic grimace, Lily tailed after her. I looked at my feet, because I honestly couldn't look anywhere else. I had no idea what had gotten into Carrie, but her last remarks might as well have killed me. I told that to them in the strictest of confidence and they swore they'd never tell. That was a mistake. A mistake that was now a dagger in my heart.

I could feel the hot tears roll down my cheeks and the lump in my throat nearly strangled me. I wanted to run away from there. I wanted to wipe my tears and forget anything had happened. To walk out the library, strong and confident, and tell Carrie what I thought about her, but I couldn't. I just stood there. The sounds of the whispers grew louder until not even my thoughts could pierce my mind. It shouldn't have mattered if I slept with Sirius, a lot of girls had. The thing was, I wasn't like those other girls. I was Nienna Ladden, Lily Evans' best friend and the friends of Lily did not sleep with Sirius Black.

A hand found my own and without looking to see who it was, I let it lead me from the stares of the vultures. I'm not sure how far I let it take me, but when I finally looked up, I was in a deserted corridor. As for the hand, it was attached to Sirius.

He pointed to a bench and I sat, staring ahead, not looking at him as he sat beside me. "Nienna," he started, but he never finished. He just sat there, like me, looking at nothing but the stray student or ghost passing by.

Minutes went on or possibly hours, before we even looked at each other. Then, once the eye contact was made, neither of us could break it.

"Siri…" I tried to say, but I failed.

"Shh, Princess," he soothed, gently running his hand through my hair.

More time passed, but funny as it seems, the longer we stayed in silence, the better I felt. The calmer I became and not just with the episode in the library, but with being in his presence. Soon after my mini revelation, we found ourselves getting closer and touching more. I had my legs over his and he softly rubbed them with his one hand, while the other lied on the bench next to my own.

"Sirius?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm officially like all the other girls you've been with. We've finally come out," I teased, but only a small, insufficient smile flicked across his face.

"No, you aren't like them."

"How do you figure?"

He looked over at me. "I'd never be here with any of those other girls."

I smiled a little, knowing it was the absolute truth. Once he'd had them, he didn't have much to do with the other girls. Yet he could never manage to leave me alone.

"What's going on between you and your friends? I don't think that's ever happened before has it?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. Everything seemed fine, just like always, but what do I know? All I care about are my own problems," I added bitterly.

"That isn't true. Sarah only cares about herself, not you. You aren't like that."

"What am I like?" I asked curiously.

He cocked his head to the side, thinking for a moment. "You are preoccupied sometimes, but you're there for your friends no matter what. You love them and care about them and you expect the same from them. You're," he looked at me with such intensity that my body was chilled by it. He said the next part under his breath as he looked away from me and I didn't catch it.

"Siri?"

"C'mon." He pushed my legs off and pulled me up as he stood. He practically dragged me all the way to a hall that I was unfortunately quite familiar with. We waited only a moment before a door appeared on the wall and he led me through it.

Inside the room was decorated just like the Common Room, fireplace included. He sat me down at one of the comfy couches and he was in front of me on the coffee table.

"Sirius, what are we doing in here?"

He shrugged before his smile took over. "Just thought you'd like the comforts of home without the problem of visitors."

I grinned back. "It's nice, but I'll still have to go back and face them. Besides, I need my bed."

He smirked and the room changed into my dorm. Instead of sitting on the couch, I was now on my own bed and Sirius was beside me. "I like this better."

I rolled my eyes. I knew this was going to come. "Don't get any ideas, Black," I warned, but it was hardly intimidating.

"Don't worry about that, love." He pushed me onto my back and laid beside me. "What did she mean about your psycho family, Princess? Do they all have a habit of talking to themselves or is it just you?"

I rolled onto my side and stuck my tongue out at him, making him smile. "No, they don't talk to themselves. They're just not right."

He rolled over to face me. "And how is that?" he asked as he pushed a stray hair from my eyes.

"Well, my siblings are fine, it's just my parents. My step-dad, he likes to drink and my mum…well, she rarely speaks anymore."

"Why?"

"I had another brother, between me and Sean. His name was C.J." Sirius nodded. "Before he was supposed to come to Hogwarts, the three of us were out playing in a lake. He was trying to do this trick thing, and well, it didn't go as planned," I paused, remembering that horrible day. "Nothing was the same after that. My mother decided the way to cope was to barely exist and have more kids and my step-dad took it out on glass bottles."

"Oh." It was my turn to nod. "How many kids did they end up having?"

"They've got two kids together. Ellie was born several months after C.J. died and Adam was born in 1975. I can't stand Ellie, I never have been able to. My problem with Adam is that mum named him Adam Crispin-Julian after C.J. I just never thought that was right. They're like pitiful attempts for her to replace him."

"Do you really hate them?"

I thought for a second before shaking my head. "No, of course not. Honestly, I know that if something happened to either of them I'd go after whoever was to blame."

We were silent again. We just laid there, not touching, for a couple of hours. I don't think either of us knew what else to do. After a while Siri began to doze off and so did I.

When I awoke, the room was different once more. Instead of my dorm, it was a cozy room with a king sized bed and another fireplace. The bedding was made of the softest cotton I'd ever felt and the pillows were light and perfect for my head. I looked around to see Sirius bringing over two large mugs. I lifted myself up when he approached and smiled.

"Careful, it's hot."

I nodded and cautiously sipped the dark liquid. "This has to be the best hot chocolate in the world." I exclaimed. He chuckled.

"Thanks." Sirius sat back on the bed, leaning against the head piece. I couldn't help but look him over. His hair was mussed and his clothes were too. I fought the urge to crawl into his lap and snog his brains out, but it was hard. He just looked so good.

"You can stop staring, Nienna."

I blushed what had to be the color of Lily's hair and turned away. I knew he enjoyed it though. Like so many times before then, we quietly drank our hot chocolate until it was gone and nothing else could take up our time.

"Do you like the room?" he asked, out of the blue.

I nodded. "It's nice and this bed is amazing!" I gushed. I realized then just who I was in the bed with. Oh Merlin.

He grinned and moved closer to me. The cup disappeared from my hand and he pulled me to him. "We could test just how amazing this bed is." His voice was deep and husky, making me nervous and excited at the same time. I half-way hoped he hadn't said those words. His arm snaked around my waist and his lips grazed my own. Being so close brought back so many memories, unfortunately for him they were ones I wanted to forget.

I pulled away from him. "No, Sirius, I won't do this again. Not with you."

"I'm sorry about before, but it was two years ago. We've both changed since then." He reached out for my hand, but I pulled it back. "I would never hurt you like that, not again. Please." The puppy dog eyes did me in. Almost.

I hesitated. "No, I can't."

He sighed softly and lay back down. "Okay." He looked up at me then. "Will you at least lay here with me?"

"No messing around?"

He shook his head. "I'll be a good boy."

I smiled. "You better." He grinned and pulled me down next to him. He rolled onto his side and stared at me.

"This is nice, Princess."

"What is?"

"Just being here with you and no one else around to interrupt."

Wow, where was all of this sweetness coming from? First he's willing to pass up sex, and now that. Hmm, maybe he had changed. I looked at him, wondering what was going on. "You're just messing with my head, aren't you?" I accused.

"Where'd you get that idea from?" He honestly sounded offended and I was slightly embarrassed for saying it.

"Well, I just…"

"I like being with you. Can't you understand that?" I blushed a little and had to look away from him. His hand touched my cheek, softly caressing it. He turned my head back to him and before I could stop it, he leaned in to steal a kiss. His lips were soft and, dare I say it, loving. It wasn't like his other kisses.

He pulled away, too soon for me, and pulled me back into a lying position. "Sirius?"

"Hmm?"

"What are we doing?"

He smiled and kissed me once more. "We're going to sleep my love." With that, he threw the blanket back over us and wrapped an arm around me, pulling me close. "So no one can take you," he offered as an excuse. I didn't say anything, just smiled and slowly closed my eyes. I hadn't realized how tired I was. Before I drifted off to sleep, I felt Siri kiss my forehead and tell me good night. Never had I imagined him to be like that. It was sweet and I adored him for it. Perhaps things had really changed.

I fell asleep before him, but somehow I could sense him next to me and it made sleeping much more peaceful.

* * *

When we awoke it was almost three, but it didn't matter. It was just Saturday. We stayed in bed for awhile, not really saying much, just too lazy to get up.

"You know, Princess, we'll have to get up sometime."

"Mhmm, and your point is?"

"I have no idea."

"Good." I snuggled in closer to him, enjoying the warmth of his body with the blanket. He gently rubbed my back and we laid there a little longer. Sirius let out a long sigh and smiled.

"I really could just lay here with you forever." He glanced over at me and kissed my forehead. "It's the only life I want; sleeping next to you."

I stared then, letting his words seep into my mind. Surely the necklace wasn't from him. It was too obvious, but I had to ask. "Siri, the locket."

"What about it?"

"Is it from you?"

He was quiet for a moment. "Do you want to go out sometime? Like on a date."

I thought for a second. Why was he changing the subject? "Umm, sure, when?"

He shrugged and then kissed me. "Right now if you want."

"Now? What would we do?"

He gave me a mischievous grin and winked. I smacked him playfully on the arm as he rolled on top of me, pinning me to the bed. He made to kiss me again, but I pushed him away.

"What?"

"You never answered my question. Is the locket from you?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "We should probably get going. Our friends are probably wondering what happened."

He got off the bed and began putting his shoes back on. "Sirius," I started. "The necklace?"

He walked over to where I was and helped me off the bed, still avoiding my question. "Here are your shoes." He handed them to me and waited for me to put them on. When I was finished he grabbed my hand. "C'mon, Nen, let's get out of here."

I nodded and let him lead me once more. I gave up on questioning him about the necklace and instead decided to just enjoy this side of him.

Perhaps we should have taken more notice to how we looked, or at least left the room at different times, but we didn't think about it. Maybe it was because the corridor was usually fairly empty. Whatever the reason, I regretted not thinking as soon as I stepped into that corridor.

It was uncharacteristically busy, filled with students from every house walking through, including a few professors. When we appeared in the hallway, almost everyone began to stare. The girls instantly began to whisper and the guys made several crude comments. Even a couple professors began to whisper and scoff.

I could feel my face burn, realizing then just how we must have looked. Sirius Black and Nienna Ladden leave the Room of Requirement hand-in-hand with their hair and clothes all messed up. Yes, it was quite obvious what they thought had happened in that room. Beside me Siri squeezed my hand tighter and tried to lead me through the maze of people. Just as we were walking by Professor McGonagall, someone started to yell.

"Sirius!" Everyone turned to see who was yelling. I looked to see Sarah with Carrie by her side. Oh no, not again.

They rushed over to us, Sarah had tears in her eyes and Care looked smug.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius asked, letting his grip on my hand loosen.

"Oh Siri, why are you with Nienna? Did you sleep with her? Please tell me you didn't. I love you so much, I just couldn't take it." By now Sarah was sobbing and to my dismay Sirius let go of my hand completely.

"No,baby, I didn't do anything with her. I swear I didn't." He actually sounded distraught over the fact that his ex thought he had slept with me. Why did it matter? They broke up.

"Promise you didn't do anything with her?"

"I promise. I'd never do that to you, love." He wrapped his arms around her quivering body, leaving me completely stunned.

"I knew you wouldn't, but Carrie kept saying…"

"Shh, love, just calm down," he soothed, kissing her. She nodded her head and without another word, they left the swarm of people. I couldn't believe what had happened. How did it even happen? Had I understood what was going on, I probably would have been crying too.

"I hope for Sarah's sake that you didn't sleep with him again."

I stared at Carrie. What was her problem anyways? "I didn't sleep with him."

"Humph, that's good. No sense in having two girls pregnant."

My eyes widened. "Are you?"

She looked at me in disgust. "No you git. I'm not easy like you and Sarah."

I glared at her. Could she be any more of a bitch? "Then who is?" I snapped.

She pointed at Sarah's disappearing form. The same smug look on her face as before. "Can you guess who the daddy is?" she taunted, a wicked glint in her eyes. My own fell upon Sirius's back. "Don't worry, she told him two weeks ago."

He knew. He knew and he didn't tell me. He says all of that crap to me all the while knowing he has a baby coming? How could he do that? Angry, I began to take off in the other direction, but a hand grabbed my shoulder.

I whipped around, ready to hit whoever it was. Luckily, I stopped myself. Professor McGonagall stood before me. Her steady gaze on my raised hand.

"I think a little chat is in order, Miss Ladden. My office, please."


	5. Chapter 5

I entered McGonagall's office and seated myself at a desk. I was not in the mood to be lectured by her today. Actually, I wasn't in the mood to even see people today. After everything that had just happened all I wanted was to crawl under a rock and die. Okay, I didn't want to die, but I did want to get away from everyone.

McGonagall sat in front of me behind her desk. She was staring at me with that strict school marm look she always had. I gulped. Was she going to yell at me or what?

The professor let out a long sigh and removed her glasses. "Miss Ladden, do you have any idea why you're in here?"

"Well, does it have anything to do with Black? I promise Professor, I didn't know anything. How was I supposed to know that he was the father of Sarah's coming attraction? He never said a word to me. All we did was snog a little and slept, but it started off only because Carrie is such a horrible friend! I swear to you, I didn't know what was going on."

She stared at me for a moment, replaced her glasses, and started, "Miss Ladden, what are you talking about?"

I could feel my face heat up and I shrunk in my seat a little. "Isn't that what you wanted to talk about?"

"What? Of course not. It is none of my business who you spend your time with Miss Ladden." She looked offended and I couldn't blame her. Why would she care about such trivial things? "However, if you have a need to speak to someone of such things I am here." I nodded my head and saw a small smile form on her thin lips for a moment before she composed herself.

"Then what did you need to speak to me about?"

She let out another sigh. "I am not sure how to tell you this, but I told Professor Dumbledore that I would take care of the matter." She paused. "Miss Ladden, this is not easy for me and it will be even worse for you. After a notice from your sister-in-law, the Headmaster and I have decided it best to send you home for a time. You will be able to return when it is possible. You will pack your things and will travel home tonight. The earliest we can send you home is half past eleven this night. I know it is late, but I'm afraid the trip cannot be delayed longer than that."

"What? Professor, I don't understand. Why do I have to go home?" I didn't know what to think. What was going on that was so important I couldn't stay in school?

McGonagall shook her head. "We were asked to not give you the details. She wrote that she wanted you to find out when you would be surrounded by loved ones to care for you. Now, you must go pack your things and make sure you have everything." She stood and ushered me to stand too. I did and made to walk for the door. I was just so confused. Before I shut the door behind me McGonagall called out. "I am truly sorry, Nienna and remember that if you should find yourself in need of a confidant I am always here."

* * *

When I arrived at my dorm I was thankful for being the only one there. The trip back had been awkward and slightly embarrassing, but I was too caught up trying to figure out what was going on to really care much. Without any hesitation I started packing everything. I had to have something to do.

It had always amazed me how much a trunk could hold. It was almost never ending. I neatly folded all of my clothes that were still in there and folded up all of the rest too. It didn't take long to get all of my clothes packed. I went to the bathroom and collected my shampoo, conditioner, hair and tooth brush, and all of the other odds and ends.

Before I left the bathroom, I glanced at myself in the mirror. My eyes were a little bloodshot and my hair was still a mess. I thought about fixing myself up, but what was the point?

I left the bathroom and dumped my stuff into the waiting trunk. I then grabbed the pillow and blanket I had brought from home and the stuffed giraffe that always made me feel better and placed them inside too. Then I went over to my nightstand. I pulled out the bottom drawer and dumped the contents into the trunk and then did the same with the middle drawer.

I purposely skipped the top one and moved to the few items on top of it. I grabbed the picture of me and my siblings and carefully tucked it in. I tossed the books in after, making sure that I didn't hurt the picture. Then I opened up the top drawer. I grabbed everything in it except the little envelope and put it in with the rest of my stuff.

Within a matter of minutes I had packed everything I owned and all I had left was that little locket. I slid the necklace out and let it rest on my palm. What was I going to do with this? I thought about the inscription and my mind was suddenly made up.

I opened the window by my bed and looked outside. It was so calm that it just didn't seem real. From where I was I could see four boys over by the lake and I instantly recognized them as the Marauders. With them as my aim I threw the necklace crumpled up in the envelope out the window and out of my life. As if noticing my action one of them looked up and towards my window and I could only guess which one it was. Somehow I knew it was him though.

I turned away, but left the window open. I shut my chest and sat down on it. What was I going to do now? I looked at the clock. It was only four in the afternoon. I sighed and just sat trying to not think about anything.

When I looked at the clock again it was a quarter until six. Wow, time really flies when you're not thinking about anything. I decided that it was time to get up and do something.

* * *

I walked down the girl's dormitory steps and into the surprisingly empty Common Room. I decided that everyone must be at supper so I took the rare solitude to sit by the fire. It was so strange to idly sit there with no one to keep me company. I stared into the flames trying once more to figure out what was going on in my life.

"Well, my best friends, or who I thought were my best friends, apparently hate me. I let myself fall for Black…again. The strictest teacher in this place is the only 'friend' I've got left here. Then, to make matters worse, something is so wrong at home that I'm being sent home. For Merlin's sake, what in the world did I do to have all of this happen?" I covered my face with my hands and buried my head in the floor. I let out a muffled scream as I contemplated what I was going to do. This just wasn't something the professors prepared you for.

"Nienna?" a quiet voice came from behind me as a hand gently rested on my shoulder. "Are you okay?"

I looked up to see Remus standing next to me. He was pale and sickly looking again. I slowly nodded my head and then paused. "No, I'm really not okay."

He sat beside me on the floor. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"What's to talk about? You probably already know most of it. The whole bloody school knows most of it."

Remus nodded his head. "Carrie decided she and Lily could no longer stand you and then Sirius came to your 'rescue' or what he considered to be rescuing. Then, in a cruel way, you found out that his ex is pregnant."

My eyes began to swell. "That's most of it. I just don't understand what made Carrie flip out and as for Black, I just can't believe I was so stupid to fall for him. He never said a word about Sarah, Remus. Then just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, McGonagall calls me to her office. There's something going on at home and it's been decided that I go home for the time being. I just don't understand anything. I'm so confused. I can't believe anything that has happened in the last twenty-four hours. I just can't…" my voice cracked. Wonderful, I was crying. My cheeks burned with embarrassment.

"Hey, Nen, it's okay. It will be okay." Remus hugged me, letting me cry on his shoulder. "You are strong. You'll get through this."

"I don't know."

He pulled me away from him and looked me in the eye. "You will be okay. Just don't give up because things are crazy. You'll come out of this better than anyone else."

I sniffled. "Do you really think so?"

Remus nodded and pulled me in to another hug. "Of course."

We sat for several minutes in that position. My tears dried up, but I didn't want to pull away from him. I thought that if I did all of the positive thoughts that he made me believe would be replaced by the negative ones of before. Besides he didn't seem to mind. Remus was different from other guys in that aspect. He actually cared about girls in a way that didn't have to deal with sex.

"Nienna, we should go get something to eat."

I shook my head. "I'm not hungry. You can go though. I'm better now."

He slowly released me and studied me for a moment. "Are you sure?"

I thought about telling him no, but he looked worse than when he first sat down with me. "Yeah, I'm sure. Go eat. It will make you feel better."

He gave me a weird little smile before standing up. "When do you leave?"

"About eleven."

"Okay, I might not see you so I'll say goodbye now."

I smiled. "I'll see you around Remus."

"You too." He returned my smile and then made his way to the portal.

"Oh and thank you. I really needed that."

"Anytime, Nienna. Good luck with whatever is happening at home." I watched him walk out the door and I leaned against the coffee table to watch the fire again. I don't know how long I sat there, but I was in a kind of trance until I heard the common room door close. I whipped my head around to see who was interrupting my peace.

"Oh, Nen, I didn't think you'd be here."

"Where else do you think I'd be, Black?" I glared at him as he began to approach me. He made like he was going to sit next to me, but seemed to rethink it and sat on the couch behind me instead.

"I don't know, in bed probably. I didn't see you in the Great Hall, so I thought you might not be feeling well. I wanted to come check on you before anyone else came up."

I could feel my blood start to boil. "Why in the name of Merlin would you bother with me?"

"Listen, I know you're mad, but I wasn't lying to you earlier. I really meant it. I do care about you. I don't want anything to happen to you."

I held back a scream. "Oh and am I supposed to fall back into your strong arms now? Am I supposed to follow your every move, to worship the ground your bloody feet walk on, to take to heart your every word? Is that what you want? Well, you can just forget about it you…you bloody arse! I'm through with you Black. You've done too much for me to forgive." Never had I seen such startled fear from him. I didn't think it was possible, let alone it be me who caused it. It was a glorious feeling to have such a power over him.

"I…I…Nienna what's gotten into you?"

I stood up. "What's gotten into me? Well, let's take a look at the last twenty-four hours shall we? First, I wake up to your brother and a stupid locket. Then I find out it's your stupid locket and my best friends turn on me for reasons I can't explain. Then you think it's your place to comfort me, but really you just want to pull me in and hurt me like you did two years ago. Oh and after all of that I find out that Sarah is pregnant! As if all of that wasn't bad enough, I find out that I'm being sent home because of an undisclosed emergency! Now you're back here trying to start this all over again! I'm done with it Black. I'm done with all of it!"

He stared at me, not used to my ranting. I thought he was petrified, but he unfortunately came out of the silence. "Merlin, Nen, you've been around Carrie too long. I'm not the bad guy. I'm here to help. I truly am here for you." He pulled out a crumpled piece of paper and handed me the wadded necklace. "I still want you to have it."

I grabbed it from his hand and through it into the fire. His mouth dropped and he ran to fish it out. I'd thrown it straight into the hottest part however, and he would never be able to get it back.

He arose with soot on his clothes and his fingers burned. "Why did you do that?"

"I didn't want it."

His face was turning red with anger. "You didn't have to burn it!"

"Oh yes I did. Think of it as an effigy for any part you have or had in my life. It's burned, melted, no longer of solid existence, only a figment of the imagination. I'm through with you." I began to walk away, but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back sharply.

"You're a real piece of work." His grip tightened and I could feel the bruises forming. "You think you can just get rid of me like that? Do you?" He shook me and I nodded yes. His eyes were hard as steel.

"I'm leaving this place, Black. I can do whatever the bloody hell I want. If I want to go snog every Slytherin guy, I will. If I feel like shagging your little brother I'll do that too. Right now I want to get rid of you from my life and that is exactly what I'm doing!"

He stared at me for a long moment before roughly releasing me. "You're a bitch."

"I'd rather be a bitch than one of your whores any day." I walked over to the girl's staircase before turning back. "By the way, Regulus is a hell of a lot better man than you'll ever be. It's no wonder nobody loves you." I sprinted up the stairs then, but the loud crack still reached my ears. Black had picked up the table and slammed it against the wall, splintering it. I slowed my pace and began to feel a little guilty for what I had said. I stood on the step for a moment before deciding to turn around and make amends. Just as I begun walking back down a high-pitched squeal filled the air. I didn't need to see the person to know it was Sarah. I turned on the spot and ran into the dorm, locking the door with my wand.


	6. Chapter 6

I stepped off the train, not entirely certain of anything. It had been a very long trip. After boarding the Hogwarts Express I spent several hours completely alone. Not even the Trolley Lady was there. All of the time alone took a toll on my mind. By the time I got off at King's Cross I was ready to beat my head in. From there I caught a muggle train that took me to the coast where I got on a ferry to Northern Ireland. I then walked the short distance to the train station, waited about an hour, and was on the last leg of my journey. It was very early in the morning when it finally stopped. When I got out I had expected my mother or Sean to be there, but no one was in sight.

"Nienna!" a voice called out to me. The female voice startled me. I turned around to face Alorah, my sister-in-law. It was hard to believe that the chubby, black-haired woman was Sarah's older sister.

"Alorah, what are you…" Before I could finish she threw her arms around me and immediately began sobbing.

"Thank goodness you're here!"

"What's going on?"

She let go of me and wiped her eyes. "I can't explain here. Let's go." She grabbed my things and led me to the muggle car Sean and her owned.

Once we had piled everything in she drove quickly to the little house my brother had bought when they got married. No words were exchanged on the short trip and when we arrived I once again expected Sean to be there.

Alorah immediately stepped out of the car and popped the trunk so we could grab my belongings before rushing me into the house and locking the door. After that she cast several spells to ensure that no one could get through the door. I sat down in a chair in the kitchen as she reinforced the whole house.

I couldn't understand what was going on. I had never seen Alorah so frantic, so scared. She ran about the house for five minutes casting protective spells everywhere. Her actions were bothering me so much I grabbed my own wand and cast a couple over the whole house. Finally she began to settle down and sat across from me. Her eyes showed a kind of fright I had never known.

"Alorah," I began slowly. "Where's Sean? Where's Bobby?"

Fat tears swelled in her eyes. "They're gone. Everyone is gone. Your mum, Sean, my…my baby!" Violent sobs shook her body.

"Wha…what are you saying?" Chills ran through my body, already guessing what she was going to say.

"There have been attacks Nienna. A couple days ago Sean took Bobby over to see your mum and…and…they never came back! They were found that night when Dr. Mavros went to see your mum after she didn't go to her appointment. It was nothing short of a massacre. I can't…" Sobs over took her. Silent tears ran down my cheeks. I couldn't believe it. There was no way.

I slowly stood and walked over to one of the windows. The sun was quickly rising. "When are the funerals?"

"In two days. Sarah's coming with my parents," she choked out. I grabbed some tissues and took them to her. She greedily took them and blew loudly. I stared at her. Why wasn't I acting like that? Why, except for the few tears falling from my eyes, was I not crying? I shook my head. Maybe I was just too tired to believe any of this.

"I'm going to go lay down," I announced walking out of the room. Alorah blew her nose again in response. With my wand I lifted my belongings up the steep stairs to the spare room.

Once I entered the room I dropped my things and flopped on to the bed. As I closed my eyes I hoped beyond hope that I would wake up in my dorm and all of this would have just been a bad dream.

* * *

Alorah warned me the next morning that nothing was cleaned up and that the sight was not going to be pretty. Still, as dawn broke I left my brother's house and made the five kilometer walk to my home. I used the free time to prepare myself for whatever I was about to encounter. I reminded myself that I had come across tragedy before and I had been able to get through it. Unfortunately, I knew nothing I had gone through before was going to prepare me for this.

I forced myself to look at the ground the whole way. I didn't want to see it before I was ready. Of course, to my dismay I came to the house well before I was ready. I had stopped at the front gate and took a moment to breathe in before I let my eyes wander to the house. The once large beautiful home was now splotched black with burn marks. It looked as though it had been abandoned for years. Several windows were shattered, shingles and siding littered the surrounding yard. I could feel a lump in my throat, but I did my best to swallow it down.

With steps slower than a sloth, I made my way to the house. Every step became heavier and slower. I was almost to the door when a loud bark stopped me. I turned my head to the side of the house to see Charlie, the half German shepherd half wolf my father had given to me before he died. He limped over to me and I slowly knelt to pet him. His fur was matted and chunks were missing. Tears began to swell in my eyes as I softly pet him. If this is what became of my dog, I couldn't imagine what happened to my family. Charlie nuzzled my cheek with his cold nose and then licked it. After lightly kissing him I stood and grabbed the handle. My hand shook as I did and I thought about not going through with it. I made myself turn the handle and push the door open and as soon as I did I wish I had stayed with Alorah.

Dark red stains were splattered on all surfaces. Furniture was toppled over and broken ceramics and glass was strewn across the floor. I hesitated at the doorway, not sure if I could continue, but Charlie nudged me forward. Cautiously, I stepped through the wreckage. I couldn't believe it. The whole house was in total disarray. Pictures were scattered across the floors along with other debris, most of which I couldn't make out. I spent little time downstairs before I climbed the steps. More blood covered everything. According to Alorah the second floor was where they're remains were found. I explored the floor, but most of the stuff had been torched.

With Charlie following me I pulled down the ladder to the attic and climbed up the rickety wood rungs. To my surprise everything was intact. It didn't seem like anyone had bothered to come up here. The boxes my mother had spent hours meticulously packing were just as always; each with their very specific labels. My composure was finally starting to crack. The horror of the lower floors was sinking in and the reality of everything came rushing at me.

I fell to the ground as tears rolled from my eyes. I stared at the boxes of my past: Sean's baby clothes, C.J.'s toys, Nienna's dancing outfits. I choked on the lump in my throat and my sobs began. I reached over to the box with my name and opened it up. Three pairs of dancing shoes, one soft, one hard, and one glittery lay on top. Underneath were several folded up costumes and gowns in a variety of colors and embroidery. My sobs continued to grow as I lifted them out one by one. As I unfolded them I found pictures, some still and some moving, inside them. Shaking I looked them over. In the first one was a picture of my father and I after his last competition. His golden trophy was held in one hand while he held me with the other. In the next was after my first performance. It was a moving picture. I stood in the middle, a bright smile on my face. Next to me stood Sean and C.J. As they always did they were fooling around, trying to give each other bunny ears. Behind me was my mother. Her young face sparkled as tears of joy filled her eyes. I remembered the day perfectly. It was the happiest moment we had shared after my dad's death. I broke down more and found myself unable to continue. My sobs shook my whole body. What was I going to do? Everything, everyone, they were gone.

A small shuffle brought me back to the reality of where I was. My head popped up and I carefully laid the pictures on the ground. Everything was silent again, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something was there. I sniffled and wiped my eyes before pulling out my wand, more than ready to use it.

"Show yourself!" I yelled. The fear of what could be lurking didn't even cross my mind. Charlie growled and led me to where the sound had come from. It was on the other side of the attic. I looked around the boxes, but found nothing. Charlie sniffed at one of them and immediately began barking. I looked down at it. It was labeled Ellie's dresses. I knelt down slowly to open it up. Lying on top were the many bright dresses Ellie had out grown, but something was wrong. The dresses smelled disgusting. It was like entering an old outhouse, the stench was overwhelming. I gagged and began to shut it back up, but Charlie kept barking.

"Oh, c'mon Charlie, it's just soiled dresses." Just as the words were out of my mouth it dawned on me. My mum was constantly cleaning. Everything had to be perfect or it was trashed. She never would have packed away soiled clothes.

I kicked the box and a whimper came from it. With my wand I dumped out the contents, not realizing how unready I was for what was to come out.

"Ellie!" I screamed. On the ground, surrounded by the dirty clothes, was my little sister. She was crying and squirming, trying to crawl away, but I grabbed her sharply. "Ellie?"

She stopped moving as soon as she looked up into my face. "Nen?" Her face was dirty and she smelled of sweat and waste. Her shaking arms wrapped themselves around my waist and she sobbed into them. I lightly patted her greasy hair. I didn't know what to think. How did Ellie manage to survive when no one else could? "Nienna, I was so…so scared!"

I pushed her back so I could look at her face. I couldn't help but be overcome with a joy I didn't think was possible to feel at a time like this. I picked her up as I began crying too. "It's okay, El. I'm here. You're going to be okay. I promise."


	7. Chapter 7

I sat on the steps watching the swarm of people fill up the house. The mass funeral was over and everyone had come back to Alorah's house. With them they brought food, lots and lots of food. Some was for everyone who showed up to pay respects to eat, but the rest was just for Alorah, me, and Ellie.

No one paid much attention to me while I was on the stairs. They would go about their business, most talking like a major tragedy hadn't recently taken place. Others did their best to hold it together. Of course, there were the few that took the time to speak badly of my family.

"Oh they were a rotten bunch, they were," some bleach blonde girl told her friends. "My daddy told me that they were no better than gypsies. They deserved what they got." Her friends nodded in complete agreement. "There was something queer about each and every one of them. Did you know that even though they were completely broke Nienna still went to that private school? Sounds fishy to me. They were just…"

"Oh shut it Cathy!" All of the girls, and even myself, were startled by the sudden interruption. I looked up to see Sarah glaring at the group. "You are a horrible wretch, all of you, to be talking badly about the dead. Why I wouldn't be surprised if you were struck down next for spreading such lies and hate!"

All of the girls stood in shock. From the looks of it some were actually frightened by Sarah's 'prophecy.' Cathy, with a smug yet noticeably shaken look on her ugly face led her gang away. I watched as Sarah shook her head and then looked at me.

"Why did you just let them say that?"

I shrugged. I hadn't realized that she had noticed me. "I don't have the energy."

She came and sat by me, sighing as she did. "I'm really sorry, Nen."

"It's not your fault."

She fiddled with her hands. "I'm not talking about this. I'm talking about everything between us. You were my best friend and I made it seem like I didn't need you, that you were less than me." I grimaced remembering our fight in fourth year. "You know, you're the only friend I've ever truly had and I just go and keep screwing everything up."

I looked over at Sarah, tears forming in her crystal eyes. "What are you trying to say?"

"I lied. I'm…I'm not really pregnant," her voice dropped when she said the last part. I stared, wide-eyed at her.

"What?"

"I was so afraid of losing Siri. You know how much I love him, Nen. I couldn't bear losing that man and I never thought I'd have to, but then he started asking about you all the time. I didn't let it bother me, but then I noticed him staring at you too. Then I kept finding him with you. I just couldn't handle it. I knew what was happening and I…I had to do something. That's when Carrie came up with this plan. She said that if I really wanted him then all I had to do was pretend he had gotten me pregnant."

I couldn't believe my ears. It was a lie? A lie that Carrie had talked Sarah into. Of all the things Carrie could have done…

"Do…do you hate me?"

I gently hugged her. "No, I don't hate you." It was the truth. I wasn't even mad at Sarah, I was mad at Carrie. I know Sarah never would have done such a thing on her own. "Have you told him?"

She shook her head. "I don't know how. He'll hate me! I can't stand keeping up with this lie though. It would be okay if he was happy, but he's not. He's miserable and I'm making everything worse. He misses you. He doesn't want to admit it, but he does. I can't compete."

I sat there. "You need to tell him. He deserves the truth."

She nodded. "I know. I've been trying to work up the courage to tell him, but I just—."

"Oh my dear, granddaughter!" Sarah's words were lost as I glanced up at the shrieking voice. Before me were my grandmother and grandfather. My mum's parents. With no warning the old woman grabbed me and placed a kiss on each cheek.

"Hi," I said unexcitedly.

"It's been so long since we've seen you. You've grown so much!" My grandpa announced.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ellie sadly watching me. My heart ached. These two people making a fuss over me were the only other family she had and they couldn't care less about her existence. I looked away from her. "Could you please excuse me?" I asked politely, making a point to let Sarah know that she needed to follow.

"Of course dear."

I made my way away from them, Sarah tagged behind. I walked over to my little sister and gave her a hug.

"How are you doing, El?"

She shrugged. "Okay, I guess," she whispered quietly. Her brown eyes were glossy and her face was tear streaked. I grabbed her hand.

"C'mon. I want you to meet your grandparents." I started walking back to the stairwell, but a strong hand fell on my shoulder. I looked over my shoulder to see my oldest friend, Jake. It had been years since I had last seen him and I couldn't help but notice how different he was.

"Hey, Nen."

"Oh…umm…hey!" I stammered. "Could you hold on just a moment?" He nodded and I quickly led Ellie to our grandparents.

"Who is that?" she asked.

"Oh, just an old friend," I answered, not caring to explain. Our grandparents looked strangely at us as I introduced Ellie.

"Hi," she shyly greeted them. She had never met them. In fact, the last time I even saw them was the summer before I started Hogwarts when I stayed with them.

"Hello, dearie," our grandmother began. Once again I excused myself and went back to where Jake and Sarah were talking.

"I'm back."

He smiled down at me. "I was just meeting your friend Sarah." I looked over at her. There must have been a worried look on my face because she signaled to me that nothing was going on. In my head I let out a sigh of relief.

"Well, I'm going to go help my sister." Sarah turned and headed towards the kitchen, leaving me alone with Jake.

He smiled again and I returned it. "How have you been?"

"Well, things could be better."

Jake nodded and then looked around. "Do you want to go for a walk?"

"I think that would be perfect."

* * *

"I'm really sorry about…well, you know." We had been walking for several minutes in complete silence and I was beginning to think that a walk wasn't a great idea.

"It's fine," I almost snapped. I was so sick of people telling me how sorry they were. What did they have to be sorry about? Unless they took part in the murders I didn't want them telling me sorry. Well, come to think of it I wouldn't want the murderers to tell me sorry either. I'd just want to kill them. I shook my head. That wasn't what I wanted to think about.

"So…what's been going on in the last few years? I haven't seen you since we were twelve."

I looked at Jake. I could tell that he had sensed my aggravation. I felt bad for snapping at him, but it didn't matter now. Instead I thought over what I should tell him. I had to be careful about what I said. Jake was a muggle and the last thing I wanted was the Ministry bothering me about revealing the magical world. "Well, I've been at school."

He rolled his eyes. "I knew that, Nienna. What else has happened? You can't tell me that you've been living in a hole for the last five years."

I paused, not knowing how to take his words. He had always been sarcastic, but he seemed more annoyed than anything. "Well, I made friends and then lost some. I found out I have a knack for Divination and Runes." My eyes grew wide with what I had just said. I resisted the urge to smack myself. Maybe if I just pretend like I didn't just screw up he won't notice. "Then I…"

Jake stopped. "Wait a moment. Divination? Runes? What the bloody hell is that?"

"Oh," I said innocently. "Did I say Divination and Runes?" He nodded. "I meant division."

He looked at me skeptically. "And Runes?"

"Runes? Oh, umm…" I hesitated trying to think of an excuse. "Well actually it's Egyptian History. It's just we're studying the runes right now and I've found that I'm good at identifying them."

"Hmm, right, sounds interesting." I could tell that he was having a hard time believing me. "What else?"

"Well, this year I've been paired with Peter Pettigrew in Po…I mean Chemistry. He's an alright guy, but he's not the brightest. He's part of the Marauders, although I've never quite known how he made it. Sirius told me in third year that…"

"Sirius? What kind of name is that?" He interrupted.

"Well, he's named after the Dog Star. His parents really like those kinds of names. His brother is named Regulus."

"Why would anyone name their child that? Sounds like a complete nutter to me."

A strange surge of annoyance and protectiveness rose within me. "What's wrong with that name? I was named Nienna. That's a strange name. Do you think I'm a complete nutter? What about C.J.? Was he a bloody nutter, Jake?" I couldn't believe the fury in my voice. Why had those simple words incited such a response from me? That wasn't like me at all.

Jake stared at me. I could tell that he was indeed beginning to think I was mad. "I'm sorry Nen, of course I don't think that of you or C.J. It was just a thoughtless comments. I'm sorry. I didn't know you and Sirius were…"

"We're not!" I snapped again. "We aren't together. We…"

"Okay! I'm sorry. What the fuck is with you?"

I knew I should have just apologized, but I was on a streak and I wasn't going to be stopped. "What's with me? Well, let's think about this! I just lost my whole family, Jake! Everyone, they're all gone!" Hot tears started to spill from my eyes as I shouted. "They're dead and there wasn't a damn thing I could do. Just like always I was helpless. Now I'm stuck with a sister I can't care for, grandparents who don't care about anything other than their precious money, and a sister-in-law that is most likely leaving with her family since, oh you know, she still has one!" A horrible sob sounded within me as I fought to breathe. I turned away, trying to hide my anger and shame. What was wrong with me?

"Nen," he started. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been such a git." He walked around to face me. He gently embraced me as my sobs began to die down.

"No, I'm sorry. I don't know what's come over me. I don't…"

"Shh," he soothed. "It's okay. C'mon, let's get back to the house."

I shook my head. "No, I don't want to go back there, not yet."

"Alright, why don't we go back to my house? My mum can fix you up some of those chocolate chip cookies you love. That sound good?"

I nodded and sniffled. "Thank you, Jake. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay, Nen. It's okay."


	8. Chapter 8

It had been three weeks since the funeral. Everyone had left and it was only me, Alorah, Ellie, and Charlie. People would still bring over food, although I had no idea why. We weren't helpless, especially not in the kitchen. My idea that Alorah would leave was way off. She had actually decided that she would stay put, at least for the foreseeable future. We were all getting along well, although I was frequently told that I should return to school. I just wasn't ready for that.

I received owls from Lily and Sarah, even Remus, but I didn't reply to any of them. I wasn't sure why. I suppose I just wanted to live life how it was. Everything had become simple. Sure, there were still times when one or all of us would break down, but we helped each other through it. Jake helped too. He was over at the house visiting every day when he got home from school. I started to remember why I had been friends with him in the first place and began to wonder why I never bothered to keep in touch with him.

"So, what are we going to do today?" Jake asked as soon as I opened the door.

"Well, you're going to think I'm insane if I tell you."

He smirked. "Don't worry, Nen, I already do."

I playfully smacked him and grabbed my coat. It was cold being almost December and the last thing I wanted was to get sick. "C'mon let's go."

We walked back out of the house and I carefully locked the door. Alorah was still paranoid about being attacked. I had to hand it to her though, she lost her husband and baby son, and yet she was doing alright. I had a feeling that the strength she showed on the outside was just a mask to cover up the pain on the inside. I suppose that was just how all of us were though. We were trying our best to make it through.

"Will you tell me where we're going?"

"That depends. Do you promise not to talk me out of it?"

He nodded. "I promise."

I looked at him to see if he was being truthful. "We're going to my old home. I…I need to try and fix it."

"Are you sure that's what you want?"

I nodded. "I want to clean it up and repair it."

"Then what will you do with it? Move back in?"

I shuttered at the thought. "No, but I feel that I owe it to my family. I owe it to that house." My eyes began to water.

Jake gave me a small smile before taking my hand and pulling me into a hug. "I'll help you do whatever you want."

"Thank you," I whispered as I pulled away from him. For some reason I just couldn't get used to his hugs. They were warm, but they just weren't like Sirius's. I never felt safe in Jake's hugs.

* * *

"Well, we're here," Jake announced as we entered the house. It was so odd being back here. Everything was basically the same. The only difference was that inside the blood was cleaned up. After the investigators were finished a crew came in to get rid of the blood. No one felt that it was right to leave it there and I was glad they had cleaned up. "Where should we start?"

I thought for a moment. "The attic."

We slowly climbed the steps up to the second floor and up the ladder to the waiting attic. Everything was the same as when I found Ellie with the exception of her soiled dresses which had all been washed thanks to Alorah.

"I want to get these boxes out of here. Alorah has a large storage space and she said that all of this could stay there. So that's what we'll do first."

"Alright," Jake agreed. "Does it matter where we start?"

I shook my head. "Just grab a box and take it out to the yard. Alorah's renting a truck that will be here later to take it to her place."

"Got it."

* * *

It didn't take long before we finished. I was thankful for that. It was hard to not break down while I was in there, with all those memories. It was hard to take.

"So, when are you going to leave me and go back to school?" Jake asked as we sat outside waiting for the truck to arrive.

"Hmm?"

"When are you going back to school?"

"Oh, I'm not sure." I thought for a moment. "After Christmas probably."

Jake nodded and we sat in silence again. I looked over at my friend. He seemed off, but I couldn't quite put my finger on what was going on.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, you don't need to ask."

He thought for a moment. "It's a personal question." He looked over to me, but I just motioned for him to continue. "Well, what have you done?"

"Huh?" I asked confused. What in the world was he talking about?

He scratched his head. "It's just…have you…are you…?"

"Out with it, Jake. I can't read your mind."

"Right," he sighed. "Well, I was just wondering if you were a…a…virgin." His voice dropped so low on the last word that I barely heard him.

I was startled at the question. Never in my life had I been asked that. What was I going to tell him? I could tell him the truth, but then he'd just ask more questions. If I lied and said yes, what would he say then? Maybe I could tell him it's just too personal. No, he'd definitely take that as a no. It had to be the truth. Slowly, I shook my head. "No, I'm not."

I could tell that wasn't the answer Jake expected. "You're not? When did you…?"

It was hard to believe how awkward he was making this. Sirius never would have done such a thing. "I was fifteen. It was a onetime thing that just kind of happened."

"Oh." He was silent for a moment. "It was with that Sirius guy wasn't it?"

I stared at him. What was this about? "Well, umm, yeah."

"Do you love him?"

"What are you getting at?"

I could see him fidgeting. "It's just that you mention him a lot."

"No I don't!" I argued.

He gave me a weak smile. "Of course not, Nen."

We were silent again. I found myself wishing that the truck would hurry up or that Jake wasn't there so I could have just sent everything back already. Heck, I could've had most of the house cleaned up in the time it took us to just take the boxes down.

"Do you want to know about me?" Jake asked.

"What about you?" I snapped as I wrapped myself up tighter in my coat. The cold and the questions were getting to me.

"Do you want to know who I've been with?"

I rolled my eyes. "Sure, who have you been with?"

He was silent, waiting for me to look at him. When I finally did he answered. "No one."

My mouth actually dropped. "Are you serious?"

He nodded. "I've been waiting."

I was beginning to not trust my ears. "For what? You're a guy. Guys go and have sex with whoever they want."

"Well, not this guy. I decided a while back that I was going to wait for the right girl."

My irritation was turning to mock amusement. I had never expected Jake to be one of those guys. "Well, have you figured out who she is yet?"

Jake's face turned red. "Yeah, I have."

I waited, expecting him to finish. "Who is it?"

"You."

Just as the word was out of his mouth the truck pulled up. Immediately I began loading the boxes into the back. Trying as hard as I could to ignore what Jake had just admitted. Alorah stepped out of the driver's side to help us load. I knew she could sense that something had happened between us.

"What's going on?" she whispered to me when Jake was out of earshot.

I shook my head. There was no way I was going to repeat that here.

* * *

"Well, are you going to tell me now?" Alorah asked as soon as we had dropped off the unloaded truck and were on our way home.

"It's crazy. You would never believe me."

"Oh c'mon, Nen! You're still my sister, you know. You can tell me this stuff. Did he kiss you?" I shook my head. "Did he smack your bottom?"

"Umm, no."

"Well, what then? He had to have done something!"

"Can we just drop this? I don't want to talk about it."

Alorah was silent for awhile and I was thankful for that. I did consider her my sister and I loved her as such, but she could be almost as annoying as Sarah at times. It wasn't that I didn't want her to know, I was just trying to process everything in my own mind before it got warped by someone else's opinion. Oh, who am I kidding? My own mind warped everything before I could make sense of it.

"Nen," Alorah began softly. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

Oh, Merlin, how many times did I have to hear that question in a day? "Umm, I suppose."

"Well, I want you to know that I love you know matter what and, even if I think they are…strange, I will respect all of your choices."

I gave her a sideways glance. What in the world was she going on about? "Okay."

She stopped and looked me straight in the eye. "Do you prefer women to men?"

My mouth dropped. There was no way I heard her correctly. "What?" I screeched.

"It's okay if you do, I just want to know."

"Alorah, trust me, I like guys! I'm…I'm not whatever it is you think I am."

She gave me a little smile, almost as if she didn't believe me. "Okay, it's just that you've never had a boyfriend and Jake is such a good-looking guy I figured you two would be together by now. That's all."

I stared at her. How could she think such a thing of me? Didn't she know how I can't get Sirius out of my head? Wait, of course she didn't. No one in the world knew that. "Alorah," I sighed. "There's a lot of stuff you don't know about me or my love life."

She looked curiously at me. "Like what?"

I shook my head. "It's hard to explain."

She groaned. "C'mon, Nienna! Let me in on what's been going on. It isn't fair that you keep me out of the loop."

I rolled my eyes. "Don't feel bad. You're not the only one."

"Nienna, you can tell me anything. I want to try and help you." She gave me a big smile, but I couldn't forget that only a few moments earlier she accused me of being a lesbian.

"I'll let you know later," I told her as I noticed a shopkeeper listening to us. We began walking again.

"Fine, but you better tell me."

* * *

"Bloody hell, Nen!" Alorah exclaimed as soon as I finished telling her the pitiful story that is my love life. I left out the 'Sarah faking pregnancy' bit though. Alorah did lose her baby boy, so telling her that Sarah was pretending to have a baby just to keep a guy would not sit well with her.

"So, do you have any advice?"

She thought for a moment. "Yes, but I need to know something first."

"Which is?"

"Are you in love with him?"

I repeated the question in my head a hundred times. How was I supposed to answer such a thing? Was I in love with Sirius Black? I couldn't wrap my mind around the idea. "I think…"

I was interrupted by Ellie running into the kitchen. She had a roll of parchment in her little hands and looked excited. A huge grin was spread over her freckly face. "Guess what! Guess what!"

"What is it honey?" Alorah asked.

She proudly unrolled the letter and shoved it onto the table. "Grandmum and Grandpa want me to go stay with them in Greece!"

I pulled the paper over to me and quickly read it. Sure enough our grandparents wanted Ellie to stay with them over the holidays. I scoured the paper again, this time looking for my name, but it was nowhere to be found.

"That's great El," Alorah told her as she looked at me. "Are you going too, Nen?"

I shook my head.

"She wasn't invited," Ellie blurted out.

"Are you sure?" Alorah grabbed the letter from me and read it. She frowned as she finished it.

"I can go can't I? Even if Nen doesn't?"

I nodded my head, but Alorah disagreed. "I don't think that's a great idea. Both of you should go."

Ellie couldn't hide her disappointment. I rolled my eyes for what seemed to be the millionth time that day. "Really, she can go. I'll just stay here with you, Alorah. It'll be fine."

My little sister took that as the final word and squealed happily as she ran back up the stairs to start packing. I couldn't say I was happy about it, but I didn't want Ellie to stay here for our first Christmas alone. Sure, I didn't want to stay either, but as long as I wasn't alone here it'd be okay.

I looked over at Alorah expecting her to be happy that I wasn't abandoning her too, but she was far from happy. Her face was guilt-ridden and sad. "What is it?"

"Nienna, I think you should go with Ellie."

"Why? I'm fine with staying here. I don't want you to be all alone during that time. Besides Ellie is going to be gone for a month and a half starting in a couple days. It wouldn't be fair to leave you here alone."

Alorah played with the wedding ring that she still wore. I was honestly amazed by how strong she was through everything that had happened. "Nen, I'm not going to be here for Christmas," she paused, watching for some reaction out of me. "I'm leaving on the fifteenth to spend it with my family. You should really go with Ellie."

I shook my head as I got up from the table. "No, Alorah, I'll be fine." I gave her the best smile I could muster. "It'll be good for me." I walked away not believing it at all.


	9. Chapter 9

I sunk into the hot, bubbly water and sighed. In a few days it would be Christmas and I was spending it alone.

"I should get Charlie something for Christmas," I said aloud before submerging my head in the water. This was the only time I could relax, but something was different that night. The normal serenity that enveloped me had an edge to it that I couldn't explain.

I grabbed a razor and slowly began shaving my legs. I watched as my hand brought the blade from my ankle to my knee. I felt detached from it; as if I were not shaving, but just watching someone else. The razor was swished around in the water and then brought again to the ankle, up the leg to the knee. Ankle, up, knee, water. Ankle, up, knee, water. Ankle, up, knee…

_I sat staring at the pretty cake on the table wishing that I could just eat it. Charlie jumped onto my lap, licking my face. I was so excited when my dad gave the puppy to me before he left. I happily, petted him before he noticed Sean playing with a ball and he left to attack my brother. _

_"Cake time?" I asked my mum when I saw her. She turned to me and I was surprised by how ill she looked._

_She shook her head. "No, Nienna, it's not cake time."_

_"Why?"_

_Without a word she sat opposite me at the picnic table. "Sean, C.J., come here." _

_"What is it Mum?" Sean asked as he finally let Charlie have the ball. C.J. came up next to him._

_She looked at the three of us and tears started to form. "There…there's been an accident. They aren't sure what exactly happened, but…"_

_"Did anyone get hurt?" C.J. questioned as he sat next to me._

_My mother nodded and had to wipe her eyes before continuing. "Yes, honey, people were hurt. Daddy was hurt too." Her voice was starting to crack, but she held on. _

_Sean, C.J., and I all looked towards the gate, fully expecting to see our injured father. _

_"When is Daddy coming?" I asked, not understanding the looks on my mother or my oldest brother's face._

_"Daddy's not coming, Nienna." _

_I could feel the tears start in my own eyes. "He promised. It's my birthday!" I argued._

_She let out a small sob as she stood up and wrapped me in her arms. "I know, I know." My brothers joined us as we all started crying. My daddy wasn't coming home._

"Ouch!" I yelped as my mind returned to the present. I looked down at my right leg and the small cut the razor had made. I couldn't believe the amount of blood that was coming from such a small wound. I touched my finger to it, causing a small stinging sensation. I put the razor back on the shelf and grabbed my shampoo. As soon as I opened the bottle the fruity smell filled the room.

"Mmm, strawberries and vanilla." I poured some onto my hand and started to massage the substance into my scalp, enjoying the small luxury.

_I laughed as he leaned in to whisper in my ear once more. _

_"Why do you always find me so funny?" He asked, amused. I giggled more before lightly smacking his forehead. _

_"How am I to take you seriously when your name is Sirius? That's like thinking a dog named Lucky is actually lucky!"_

_A loud barking laugh emitted itself from his lips. I couldn't help but stare at them, a stupid smile on my face. How could any man have lips like that? I shivered slightly knowing all too well just where those lips had been._

_His large grin turned to a frown. "Princess, you are the only reason I can't be serious." _

_"Oh?" I asked. I could feel a slight blush come to my cheeks. _

_He nodded. "If it wasn't for you, I could do some things and you wouldn't think I was just playing."_

_I raised my eyebrow. What was he getting on about? "I don't understand. What can't you do?"_

_"This," he whispered softly. He leaned in again, but his destination wasn't the same. His lips gently pressed against mine. A sudden shock quickly melted away as the kiss deepened. Soon our tongues were entwined and we were slowly falling back onto the couch. His hands joined in, caressing the curves of my body. It seemed like hours had passed before we broke apart, but I couldn't help but want more._

_"Sirius…"_

I rinsed out my hair and grabbed the conditioner. I couldn't believe how my mind was slipping, but try as I might, I couldn't stop it. The memories flitted about like clips from a Muggle movie.

_I sat on the bank, staring into the muddy water. I had never seen it so calm before. It was almost as if the lake was mourning too._

_"Nen, what are you doing out here?" Sean came up behind me already dressed for the funeral. _

_"I'm not going. I'm staying here forever." I continued to look into the water, wanting to go in, but not daring to touch it. I heard my brother sit next to me._

_"I don't want to go either, but we need to go. We need to say…" he cut off. _

_I sniffled and swallowed the lump in my throat. "I won't say anything! This isn't real. C.J. isn't…He's just sick," I paused, not quite sure what I was saying. "I'll go into the house and find him lying sick in bed like usual. He'll be there! He's always there!"_

_I looked over at Sean. His brown eyes were glossy and tears streaked his face. My will to keep from crying was weakening. I couldn't believe what had happened. _

_"Nienna, please, you're just making this harder. You have to accept that C.J.'s gone!" He buried his face in his hands as I started choking on the growing lump. I had to be dying, that was the only excuse for feeling this way._

_I shook my head. "He's not gone. He can't be!" I could feel the tears start to fall and my nose began to run._

_"C.J. is dead!" Sean yelled. "He's dead and it's all my fault! I could have saved him. It was my responsibility to look after him and I failedI killed him!" _

_I watched in horror as my brother's body shook violently from the sobs. The tears began to pour from my own eyes and I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could. _

_"Sean, please don't blame yourself! You didn't do it. Please don't talk like this."_

_He hugged me back. "I'm sorry, sis, I'm so sorry. I promise I won't let it happen again," he sobbed. _

_After several minutes, we pulled apart and shakily stood up. He patted my back as I wiped the tears away and sniffled some more. _

_"We need to be strong, now," Sean started as we walked back up to the house. "For Mum's sake. She needs us."_

_I nodded. "We need her too."_

I inhaled sharply. My body felt light and my mind was even murkier. I rested my head back and started to breathe slowly. In and out. In and out.

_I cautiously stepped into the wobbly boat and plopped down opposite a dark haired boy I didn't know. Another, blond haired boy stood at the front waving his arms around. When we started off the boy still stood, his movements became more erratic and the boat swayed dangerously. _

_"Sit down," the boy next to me barked. "You're going to make us capsize!"_

_"Oh, lighten up. This is fun."_

_I was starting to feel sick. Nothing about this was fun._

_"Please stop," I begged as the water splashed into the boat._

_"You two are such ninnies." He started rocking the boat even more._

_More water splashed into the boat, soaking both me and the black haired boy._

_"Enough!" the boy yelled and grabbed hold of the crazy boy's robes. A struggle ensued and before I knew it the blond was in the water and getting picked up by another boat behind us._

_"Thanks," I whispered, the queasiness fading._

_He shrugged his shoulders. "No need to thank me. He was a git."_

_I nodded and we sat in silence until we reached shore. He stepped out and began to walk away when he seemed to change his mind. He held his hand out for me to take and helped me on to the grass._

_"I'm Sirius," he said once my feet were firmly on the ground._

_"Oh, I'm Nienna." We started walking towards the castle, ahead of the other students._

_"Do you know anyone here?" _

_I nodded. "My brother Sean is a seventh year Hufflepuff. What about you?"_

_"I have some cousins here. What House do you think you'll be in?"_

_I thought for a moment. "I'm not sure; probably Hufflepuff like my brother."_

_"Yeah, my whole family is in Slytherin. I figure that's where I'll go too."_

_"Isn't Slytherin the bad House?"_

_He shrugged. "Depends on who you are." He looked at me curiously as we reached the castle and a stern woman met us. "What are you anyways? Pureblood?_

_I shook my head. "Half, my dad was a Muggle."_

_"Oh."_

_The lady led us inside and through the Great Hall where other students looked us over as they chatted. We stopped at the base of some stairs that led to a stool with a hat._

_"That's the Sorting Hat," Sirius told me. "That's how we're sorted." _

_I already knew that, but I said nothing because the Hat started to speak: _

_"Upon the head  
of Gryffindor I sat  
Until the day  
I became the Sorting Hat._

_One by one_  
_I've sorted all kinds_  
_And remember kids_  
_I never confuse signs._

_Those dear Hufflepuffs_  
_So loyal and fair_  
_Welcome all to their House_  
_As long as they care._

_Wise ol' Ravenclaw  
Accepts only the brightest  
Their charm and their wit  
Takes them to the highest._

_Slytherin is proud_  
_Of their pure blood_  
_Sly and Ambitious_  
_They strive for power above_

_Then brave Gryffindor_  
_Their courage sets them apart_  
_Passionate protectors_  
_They'll be sure to always use their heart._

_So come here_  
_Do not be afraid_  
_I'll be gentle_  
_As I sort you away!"_

_The lady then began reading from a list of names. _

_"Black, Sirius." _

_With a half smile at me, he walked up to the stool and the teacher put the hat on his head. He sat there for almost a minute before the hat came to a decision. The Slytherin table waited expectantly. _

_"GRYFFINDOR!" The Sorting Hat yelled. The whole hall was quiet for a couple of moments before the Gryffindor table started cheering._

_I looked towards Sirius and felt so bad. He seemed scared, not at all like how he was earlier. He didn't even look at me as he slowly walked to the red and gold table._

_Several other students were sorted, but none of them caused the confusion that Sirius's had. I was becoming more and more nervous. I saw my brother smiling at me from the Hufflepuff table next to his girlfriend, Alorah._

_"Ladden, Nienna."_

_My breath stuck in my throat as I walked over to the hat. I glanced at the Gryffindor table where Sirius was avoiding the glares of the Slytherins. I sat down on the hard wood stool and the lady placed the hat upon my head._

_"Aww, Miss Ladden, how good to meet you. It's a shame that I did not have the chance to meet your brother C.J. as well," it began. _

_"Yeah…" I mumbled. _

_"Now, let's see where you belong. Very loyal, I see. Just like your brother. Not power hungry, eh? Slytherin wouldn't do then. You're protective of your loved ones, but would you risk your own life for them? Hmm…"_

_I looked at Sean's eager face and then back at Sirius who looked so lonely. "How could you put him in Gryffindor? He's miserable."_

_"What?" the Hat started. "Oh, the Black boy. He belongs in Gryffindor. He would have been worse off in Slytherin. He just doesn't realize it yet. Now, back to you. I think you would be content in Hufflepuff, but content is not happy. No, that won't do. I know just the place. GRYFFINDOR!"_

_My mouth dropped as the other Gryffindors yelled. I glanced at my brother who gave me a smile and gestured for me to go over to the Gryffindor table. I quickly pulled off the hat and set it back on the stool. Careful not to trip, I made my way to the red and gold table where they welcomed me with high fives and pats on the back. I couldn't help but grin as I sat down across from Sirius._

_"Welcome to Gryffindor," he said with a half smile. "At least I'm not the only one who didn't expect to be here," he said almost miserably._

_"Cheer up," I told him with a smile. "The Sorting Hat is never wrong. Besides, now we get to be in the same House!"_

_He let out a small chuckle. "Yeah, at least I have a friend."_

I grabbed the body wash and squeezed some onto my shower poof. I scrubbed my arms, harder than necessary, in an attempt to scrub away all of the memories. I just couldn't escape them.

_"Sarah, can you stop please?" I walked down the corrider with my bestfriend and she was getting on my nerves._

_"Oh, Nen," she started with the annoyingly high-pitched voice she had recently adopted. "You're being such a nag today." She flipped her blond hair and winked at a seventh year Ravenclaw. I rolled my eyes as he gave her a wolfish grin._

_"Why do you do that?" I asked as we walked into the Potions classroom earlier than usual. Only Snape was there, working on an extra credit potion. We sat down at a table and I set my book and quill on the table top._

_"What do you mean?" she asked as she pulled a hand held mirror out of her pocket and carefully examined her painted on face._

_"That!" I pointed to the mirror. "You're obsessed with how you look and what guys think of you. Why have you changed all of a sudden?"_

_Sarah laid the mirror on the desk as she spoke. "You wouldn't understand because no guys are interested in you. You don't have the pressures that I do. A lot of the boys around this school have their eyes on me." She paused to look in the mirror again. "They want me, Nen. I'm here to please them and they love it. That Ravenclaw I winked at, well, I've spent the last few evenings with him in the Astronomy Tower."_

_My jaw dropped. I had no idea about what she had been doing._

_"Really, Nienna, you're lucky. I'm almost jealous. You don't have to worry about all of the stuff that I do. That skinny dancer's body of yours won't attract anyone. Then your plain brown hair that just," she lifted up a clump of it and let it go. "Lays there. No one will ever bother you since you're so ugly."_

_I stared at her for a moment. "What did you just say to me?" I asked, the anger rising._

_She picked the mirror up again. "Which part? When I called you ugly?"_

_I nodded, unable to do anything else for fear of attacking her._

_"Well, you are." She looked at me and smiled. "It's nothing to be bothered about! Like I said, you are so lucky to be ugly!"_

_My body was burning up. I could see Snape watching us. Disbelief was written all over his face. I heard the door open, and the Marauders walked in. They were joking and laughing as usual and I found my way to get away from Sarah without hurting her._

_I quickly stood up, knocking the wooden chair to the ground and stomped over to where the boys were. They looked at me funny and quickly stopped laughing as I took the chair next to Sirius, pushing James out of the way._

_"What's wrong, Princess?" he asked as he leaned back in his chair as if there was nothing abnormal about me sitting in the place normally reserved for his best mate._

_"Her!" I snapped and pointed to the blonde who seemed oblivious to my absence. Sirius raised his brow, encouraging me to explain, but I just kept pointing and my rage increased every moment that she failed to acknowledge that I was no longer next to her. _

I lifted myself out of the tub and reached for the baby blue towel on the rack beside me. Slowly I started to dry off; the feelings from the last memory were still affecting me. Even though it had been a few years it still hurt that she had said that to me.

I shook my head, trying to eradicate the thoughts and water droplets flew from my hair. I wrapped the towel around myself and started to clean out my ears when I heard someone walking around downstairs.

I immediately looked around for my wand before remembering that I had left it in my room.

"Shit," I whispered to myself as I quickly searched for something else to use. I settled on another long towel as being the best possible weapon and quietly headed towards the door.

I opened it slowly, but the door squeaked alerting the intruder who started up the stairs. I wrapped up the towel as tightly as I could and hid behind the door. The steps slowed as they reached the landing and stopped for a short moment before heading towards the bathroom.

My breath caught in my throat and I waited for my chance to strike. The intruder pushed the door open slightly more and it pressed against my head. The person took a couple of steps farther into the bathroom, looking around intently. I could smell the person's cologne, recognizing it to be a distinctly male scent. I waited for him to clear the door before attacking. Once he made another step into the room I slammed the door shut. He started to turn towards me and I whipped the towel across his face.

"Oh, bloody hell!" he yelled as his hands went up to protect his face as I attempted to hit him again. He backed away from me. "Nienna, knock it off!"

I gasped and dropped the towel. "Sirius?"


End file.
